Male-Female Attraction:
Good or Bad?

It was Topics Session in the Ambassador Club I directed. The Topics Master asked the others "What do you look for in the girl you want to marry?" A few of the men were already married, but most weren't.

I remember some of the answers. One young man said he wanted to marry a woman who would see a matter through to the end. One said he wanted to marry a woman from a good family. Character and hard work were mentioned. As I recall, several answers were proffered, as I sat there thinking "Oh, no! No-one's going to say it! It will have to be me to say it!"

Finally, and mercifully, one man raised his hand and made reference to physical attraction. I was relieved! As the director, I had to give a few comments at the end of the first half of the evening, which included the Topics Session, and I thanked the man who had mentioned the subject that was apparently almost unmentionable for some of these very spiritual young men.

On reflection, I'm certain all of the members of the club attached some importance to what their future wife looked like, even if most wanted to be ultra-spiritual, and avoid its mention with a faculty member present.

So what should be our approach as unmarried Christians? Is appearance important? If so, how much? Or should the subject be banished entirely as we ponder the subject of a lifetime companion?

Thankfully, as in all matters, the Bible is our guide, and it presents a rather balanced answer to this question. First, let's note that the Bible is not shy concerning the subject; for example, we read that the wives of each of the patriarchs, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were all attractive women (Genesis 12:11, 14; 24:16; 26:7; 29:17). Job's daughters, we are told, were the most beautiful in all the land (Job 42:15). In fact, Israel herself, when depicted as the bride of God, is noted for her beauty (Ezekiel 16:13-14).

Lest we forget, the Book also makes mention of male handsomeness in more than one place, including Joseph (Genesis 39:6), king Saul (1 Samuel 9:2), and king David (1 Samuel 16:12). So to look good can't be bad!

Yet we also have balancing statements such as the one in Proverbs 31, which tells us that "beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised" (verse 30). And the apostle Peter told the Christian women to give more emphasis to inner beauty than to outward attractiveness (1 Peter 3:3-4), in order to win over their unconverted husbands to the faith.

So what is the overall Bible teaching on this sensitive subject? It tells us that Christians should go to neither extreme, neither that of the world which exalts physical beauty to the expense of character, nor that of ascetics who taught (and teach) that a person's appearance is of no importance at all. As unmarried Christians we can - and should - strive for inner character (which is what keeps a relationship going), as well as outward appearance (which is what often sparks a relationship, and adds romance). We can all seek to dress well, exercise, maintain a healthy weight, and to be generally attractive to the opposite sex, without squandering our grocery budget on Botox!

One final note: in talking with many single Christians about this subject, I have come to see that each is somewhere on a spectrum in the importance he or she attaches to physical attraction. Within appropriate boundaries, this variation is legitimate, and not unacceptable to God. But we must all guard against extremes - either overlooking the great importance of what is inside a person, or putting no effort into appearance. Both count! Both honor God! Let us all strive to be attractive both on the inside and on the outside!

Ralph Levy